Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Diary Of A Sore Loser

Some of you may recall my tirade Monday with regards to the way my fantasy football season ended.  I was bitter, angry, disgusted, and full of hate.  Things haven't changed much since then, but I've calmed down enough to talk about it.  It took awhile for the hysterical blindness to wear off.  Here is a recap of the sequence of events that led to my meltdown.

All season long I've been kicking ass and taking names in my trash talking league and along the way I haven't been shy about expressing my greatness or belittling my opponents.  My dominance earned me a first round playoff bye and I felt confident my team was in position to win the championship.  There were no major injuries to speak of so I had no reason to believe things wouldn't go according to plan.

In the semis I squared off against my arch nemesis, and irritant who always tries to claim he's better than me (As if that were possible) and stirs the pot more than the rest of the league.  I couldn't think of a better opponent to beat the snot piss out of on the way to the title.  On paper it looked like a close match up (The computer had me winning by 2 points), but I felt I made the necessary adjustments to claim victory.  I had belief in my players because I knew what they were capable of.

I had Doug E Fresh Martin and Marshawn "Beastmode" Lynch in the backfield followed up by Demaryius Thomas, Randall Cobb, and Reggie Wayne.  My special teams looked good with Justin Tucker and Houston's defense and of course I had The Breesy to anchor my squad.  Solid.

My dumb ass opponent had some heavy home run hitters too.  Adrian Peterson and Jamaal Charles were in the backfield, Marques Colston, Roddy White, and TY Hilton at the receivers, and Dan Bailey and Detroit's defense.  His closer however was Tom Brady.

I got off to a sluggish start Sunday morning.  The Breesy took care of business, but Reggie Wayne, Demaryius Thomas, and Doug Martin combined for a lousy 4 points.  Adrian Peterson ended up with 7 times that amount by himself.  To make matters worse the Seahawks hit the half century mark again so Beastmode didn't even play in the 4th quarter.

On the flipside TY Hilton and Dan Bailey overachieved while Colston, White, and Charles sucked combining for a mere 9 points.  Detroit's defense couldn't take advantage of a depleted Cardinals team so their contribution was minimal.  Going into the Sunday night game things were swinging back in my favor.

When I left Canada the 49ers were beating the Patriots 31-3 midway through the 3rd quarter and I started drafting my victory speech.  As I passed the border my phone started blowing up.  Ordinarily that wouldn't bother me, but when you're dealing with a bunch of trash talkers like this league has I knew something was wrong.  Silence is an indication of success in the fantasy world.  27 text messages is people talking sh*t. 

Because I'm overly superstitious I didn't read or respond to the messages.  I didn't check my phone for scores and I didn't turn the game on the radio.  I chose to discover my fate when I got home.  As I arrived and turned on the TV my stomach fell to the floor.  Somehow a 31-3 game ended up 41-34.  Tom Brady decided to play hero ball in the last 18 minutes scoring 20 points and just like that my season was over.  I lost by 7 points.

I looked at my team to see what I could have done to generate a different outcome and guess what?  I had Steven Hauschka on my bench!  He scored 14 points!  If I'd started him instead of scrub ass Tucker I 'd be in the championship right now!  One miscalculation!  One quarterback with too much pride!  3 pro bowlers that gave me 1,1, and 2 points!  Because of this I have to go an entire year with a bitter taste in my mouth!

3 days later I'm still not humble enough to admit defeat.  This is not my fault.  Who knew Baltimore's offense could actually get worse?  Who knew the Seahawks would become this unstoppable offensive juggernaut ON THE ROAD?  Who knew the league's 5th leading rusher would gain only 16 yards?  I won't shake my opponents hand or tell him congratulations because he doesn't deserve it.  It took a bunch of fluke, random occurrences to beat me.  He's not straight up better than me.  I'm not saying he cheated, but the outcome is more about what my team didn't do as opposed to what his team did.

I'll take this offseason to reflect on the past year and see if I have the fire and passion to play fantasy football next year.  This season really took it out of me emotionally and psychologically.  I can't imagine what real owners go through when their team comes up short.  At least I didn't have to shell out millions of dollars to players that went MIA at the wrong time. 


  1. Excellent piece, CW. I think you should relish the fact that you won the regular season, single-handedly stoked the trash-talking (making the season more enjoyable), and put together a dominant team for the most part. When you're ready to shake my hand and apologize for calling me a dumb-ass, I'll be there with hand extended (probably also clutching the league winnings).

  2. Thanks for being a good sport, an inspiration, and a creative outlet for my writing. I'll shake your hand, but you can't tell anyone. I have a rep to uphold!