Tuesday, July 26, 2011

The NFL Is My Fantasy

NFL fans around the world can now rest easy, the lockout is over. After much debate and negotiation there will be football for the next decade. I can't predict who will win the super bowl just yet because free agency signings are critical, but the one thing I do know is my friends and adversaries are in big trouble.

With the collective bargaining agreement behind us fantasy football is right around the corner. I intend to annihilate the competition. It's time to crack open a can of whoop ass on anyone who dare oppose me. People spread gossip and believe what they must, but lets get one thing straight. I will walk away this season as Mr. Fantasia, the king of the fantasy football world.

In years past I've been stymied by under achieving players (Ryan Mathews), questionable personnel moves (starting Reggie Bush before he was healthy), and over analysis. This year my strategy is perfected and I've added a few wrinkles to my scouting method so winning is inevitable. It's time to rebuild the Death Star piece by piece if you know what I'm saying.

I'm not going to just beat my opponents, I'm going to embarrass them. I'm going to talk so much trash after my victories it will make Floyd Mayweather Jr. seem shy and introverted. I'm going to get on my opponents nerves so bad I may need a bodyguard for my own protection.

I'll send texts, tweets, e-mails, facebook postings, letters, telegrams, Morse code messages, whatever it takes to get my point across. I'm the LL Cool J of fantasy football and Jack the Ripper is back ready to inflict pain and emotional distress on my victims.

I pity the fools that jump in front of the Cleavie Wonder express this year. I'm taking no prisoners and the casualties that lay in my wake will be too numerous to count. For those of you that dare to enter the Cleavie zone it's the start of your ending.

If I don't win the championship this year I'll sell all my personal belongings and move to Nova Scotia. I'll live off the land eating wild berries and small animals I've never heard of. It's a bold statement, but I'll back up every word of it. Let the games begin!

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